Yesterday I was on MARCH 6th 2050 and traveled back in time just to write this note to you.
Hey ok, you, I’m talking to you. Alright now, dont question me why I didn’t come see you face to face, because you know the whole collapse of the universe thing is still a possibility, or maybe Putin will destroy the whole universe at some point, who knows you know, well I know. Don’t worry about that. Dammit I should also tell you to change your dumb side-notes and side tracking, because you know this conversation has turned out pointless.
Ok the main reason why Im on your facebook account right now. I know you’re sleeping, cuz you know, i know you love to sleep. I also made sure to stay away from you and those you know, ok, maybe if that one girl you like suddendly calls you up or files a complaint against you, well, my bad, although I may have screwed myself and my existance, but the fact that im still here, means she didn’t say anything to you. Cuz you know, I learned a few tricks along the years. I hope it doesnt count as cheating, no reason at all, just cheating in general, don’t ask any stupid questions, you’ll just have to wait and see what I know happens. Is it cheating if you see the girl you are dating in the future as your future self in the past? That’s interesting. Dont hate me, I may have helped you out. Unless I didnt, and when I get back to my time, there will be a surprise for me and I’ll be like single, and alone, like you.
Unless of course, you read this and are like WTF i invent a time machine and come visit myself in the past, what A loser! what a lonely loser! don’t get that idea, because then we’re both screwed. Dammit, so I can’t tell you much about the future, because it can affect everything. Really.
So my purpose of this visit has to do with just a minor thing you did not think of when building the time machine. The whole design is good, appropriate, like whos gonna think a massive printing machine is a time machine? You see the idea of being a printing machine, since you’re always in a rush to get something printed, but you always run short on time, or there is no time, I get it. Its clever, but really? Similar to those big printers, guess, what, yea it breaks easily and like the things that are essential to make it work, (ink for example) cost a lot of money, and its like I rather just build another time machine. Which is not good. So dont use a stupid printing machine.
Ok you know, fixing this machine isnt that easy, I can’t open it up because when you built it you used to industrial power shit that made all the screws stick there for a lifetime. So any additions or repairs I cannot make. So this is why I traveled long before you actually build it so you get to know my frustration. Basically everything is social media in the future. Facebook doesnt exist anymore, Mark wanted to put a server on Mars and call it the Spacebook, but no one wanted to go into the rocket, so he went up to space, but I think he missed Mars by many miles and ended up somewhere. His last post was a going to Mars #yolo#spacewalk#spacetalk.
So it’s good to see facebook again, the new deal in the future is this social media machine called MegaTalx. Is has like everyone, as features your own costomisable flying robot machine that captures all your moments and with the invention of turning taste into a program code, it can now send how your food tastes via Instagrub. So it’s a big thing in the future. Sharing your life events really hits the next level.
So here’s my problem, the time machine doesnt have built in Wi-Fi, I mean what were you thinking. I can’t share anything with anyone about my traveling. I mean come on. It’s almost as shocking as when Apple started making self-driving cars without a backup system in case you know, the OS crashed, which is like every single time. I tell you everyone has that damn iCar, completely useless, because the roads arent made for it, so the only thing its good for is going in circles. And its not like they’re coming out with a new model, you only get minor upgrades that can be downloaded directly into its brain. And you really get no where with it, that’s if the self-drive even gets you anywhere.
You know they also made accessories for pets, its unbelievable, yea got your iPhone 34 ST along with your cat and its iSits. But you’ll get a chance to look at all that, especially at the Apple Museum they opened, with a Steve Jobs Ver 3.1 Cyborg that sells you all the products all over again. If you’re wondering, the first Cyborg wasn’t that successful, it’s batteries kind of didn’t work properly.
Oh see what you’ve done, you’ve made me tell you things I shouldn’t have!
So well, now, I think I’ve ruined the future for everyone else. I mean, anyone could simply just read off this and make their fortunes. But I enjoyed being back, just gotta warm up the time machine, before I use it, yes a lot like a printer with a scanner, needs warming up.
I must go back now. Its radioactive rubbish collection day today. I should also pay my monthly tax on oxygen consumption, I don’t want them estimating my use like the last couple of months. Nice seeing me again.
Original published on March 5, 2014. Rehosted to Pressure Ink.